Becoming single, either by design or by circumstance, can be a major break through in your life. Having the time and space for a more self-reflective relationship with ourselves, where we don’t have to constantly be mindful of a partner can help make us more independent, flexible and interesting people. Especially if it has been a long time since you have been single, this opportunity can truly be a gift. However, it can also be a bit of an adjustment.
Being single often changes the tenor of our relationships with others, including making us more present in our interactions with others. It can positively affect the quality of both our work and play. And if we decide to partner again, we can do so with an enhanced self-knowledge of who we are and what works for us – which is basic to being able to give and receive love and respect.
However, one of the reasons people sometimes fear being single is that they have not really thought about the difference between being lonely and being alone. To be lonely is to lack something - it is a desolate feeling that usually lasts for a few seconds to a few minutes. In fact, this a big reason why relationships end – because people are chronically experiencing loneliness IN their relationships.
To be alone simply means to be with your self. Your self is really the only person in this life that you actually know, please or exert some control over, to why not enjoy being alone? Alone, you can decide what and who to focus on, when to change direction and how to go to get your needs met.
However, just as it takes self-effort to get the most out of being partnered, it can take self-effort to be a great partner to yourself. Below are some thoughts I have based on my work with people who are successfully single:
1) Have a good support system – and make sure some of them are single. If you need help in this area, here is a way to get started. Create a list of people you would like to get to know better. Contemplate what you can offer them. This could be a phone call, an idea, walk in the park or a movie – it doesn’t matter what it is really, the important thing is that you are giving of yourself. Even if the other person does not accept your offer, they will at least know you value them.
2) With regards to your work, if you don’t like what you do, now is the time to explore something new. Focus on your career – and on making enough money. If you are alone and get sick or have an accident and cannot afford to take care of yourself, not only will your body suffer but your mind will as well. However, watch out about being obsessed with work. Excessive working is as unhealthy a distraction as being under-employed.
3) What are your intimacy needs? Are they being met? Do you like being touched in body, mind or spirit? Most people need some combination of these to feel their best. So let go of your pre-conceptions of what is good or bad about intimacy and listen to your inner voice. If something, or someone, doesn’t work out, give yourself credit for trying and move on. Be patient. You may not get everything you want on your timetable, but if you can think about it, it’s our there.
4) Take really good care of your physical body. Eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. If it has been more than a year, go to the doctor and get a checkup. Treat your body like you would a beloved child’s. After all, it is the vehicle that keeps you in this world. Avoid becoming habituated to anything, especially substances. Others may not be able to help you to notice when you slide into a bad habit.
5) Stay out of the dark corners of your mind - places where enemies such as self doubt, anger, resentments and shame live. Dwelling on negative emotions can create negative chemical reactions that can literally make us sick. Stay as much as possible in the present moment. You are perfect just as you are in the here and now. If you need help to stop ruminating, find someone. If you don’t have someone you intuitively know would be good to talk to, find a therapist.
6) Be gentle with yourself. Many people believe that in order to change they have to scold, push or punish themselves. Actually, this harshness, even if it gets you temporarily to do something, will deplete you so much in the process that it is never worth it! Breathe. Do something nice for yourself. Just decide to think well of yourself. Thinking well of yourself is not only good for you but also for all other people you come in contact. It literally draws good energy to you.
Gentleness is so important, that I would like to offer you my own definition of how to be gentle with oneself in closing:
To be gentle with myself is to be kind, considerate and encouraging of my very own self. It is to love myself in the way that I have always wanted and deserved to be loved. From this space of love, I can then become the kind of person I want to find in the world.
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